Lenten past, present, and future...

Although I'm pretty nostalgic at times, over the last several years I've tried to live deeply in the present. I've tried not to allow memories of previous moments to distort my understanding of what I'm doing or experiencing now.

Today, however, I was reminded by a friend of a Lenten devotion I wrote for Church Resource Ministries while I was living in South Africa. It told the story of my earliest attempts to face the tragedy of death along side a friend who was coming to his end. It's probably best simply to rewrite it for you:

"As I sat next to Alex, he struggled to breathe while sharing and confessing his guilt for having lived a life that was coming to an end like this - a shriveled resemblance of the thirty-three year old healthy and humorous man he was just weeks before. The promiscuous work of prostituting himself to support his heroin addiction had finally taken its toll. Now, feeling isolated and distant from everyone and anyone who visited him at this South African hospice, he alone fought the demons in his head who accused him so convincingly.

Everthing within me was in total agreement with Alex' assessment regarding the summation of the life he had lived. The AIDS at war with is immune system was invited into his body by his poor decisions. Yet God Himself was crying out on Alex' behalf. Alex no longer needed to hear of the condemnation that awaited him if he continued living as he did. He needed to hear the words of grace that call out to him from his loving Father in heaven. And for these last few moments of his life, God allowed me, as Alex' friend, to trumpet those words to him. With passion, God allowed me to cry out louder than the demons in Alex' head the very words of invitation he needed to hear - that he no longer needed to own the guilt which ruled his soul. He no longer needed to harbor the anguish the world used to punish him. His soul could now rise in confidence against these foes with the strength Jesus provides as he cried out to God...even with his faint whisper."

As I speak with my patients suffering, in many cases, just as Alex did. As I speak with friends and family in regular meaningful conversation. As I interact with strangers on the street, in stores, on the phone, or whenever or whomever I'm speaking with...I need to remember this last conversation I had with my friend Alex.

As little as most of us are willing or wanting to share about our lives at any given moment, I need to remember that deep inside us all are these demons from our past and present that taunt us about our future. They try to keep their thumb pressed against our desires and passions to move forward and make the difference we are intended to make in this world. They tell us our lives are for nothing and we should be satisfied with the puniness of our accomplishments and sulk in our mediocrity. Yet all we need is someone to incarnate the truth that God created us for those differences He intended for us to make. That there is greatness within each of us that needs to be presented to this world in order for others to take their desires and passions further, as well.

Just as Nelson Mandela said....

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

My hope is, as I enter into this Lenten period, I will allow myself permission to live in the moment without pushing aside the experiences that make me who I am today, yet leaving behind me those demons that so easily hold me back. And I pray, each conversation I have, with friend, family, and stranger will be God's voice trumpeting His call to those I speak for His greatness to shine through us all.

Enjoy this time before Easter Sunday. Use it to figure out what you're supposed to be about.